you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
