shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
