How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
too bad you live with your parents still
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
