Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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