dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
