I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
