Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
