im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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