its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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