saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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