I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
