I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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