i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
