this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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