We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
