So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
