yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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