mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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