so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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