i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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