i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
