Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my being single is dangerous.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
