i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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