woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
