i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The air taste purple.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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