Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.