I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
