The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
