I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
