bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
