Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
