I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
