I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
