Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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