last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
