I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
