i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There's always time for handjobs
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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