I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
