Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
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i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize