I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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