there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
where are my eyebrows?
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