i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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