I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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