You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
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That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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