he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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