Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
