the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
