I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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