i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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