and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have tasted many bathrooms
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
