apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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