I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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