my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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