every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
