Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.