I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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